Time-tested techniques and advice from two infertility
counseling experts at Fertility Centers of Illinois
The holidays can
be a difficult time for anyone. Our culture promotes an ideal of the perfect
holiday season with unrealistic expectations, and when that experience inevitably
falls short, it can lead to disappointment. For those coping with infertility,
the joy of the holidays can seem even harder to attain.
The holidays are focused on family, with
children at the epicenter. Those who long for the child that has not yet come
can feel isolated, sad, and discouraged.
"The
holidays tend to remind those dealing with infertility that family building has
not gone the way they imagined," says Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski, a clinical psychologist at Fertility Centers of Illinois. "Seeing
your siblings and cousins with their children can remind you of what you don't
have, and that's not easy."
Dr. Marie Davidson, who is also a clinical
psychologist at Fertility Centers of Illinois, agrees. "For couples
experiencing infertility, there can be deep sense of alienation from the spirit
of celebration. As a result, you may not want to participate in the usual
family rituals, and you may search for ways to protect yourself from the
distresses of social comparison."
Yet the holidays and family gatherings can
still be meaningful and enjoyable. Drs. Davidson and Cymet Lanski offer advice and techniques on how to navigate the emotions
that surround the holidays.
Acknowledge Your
Feelings
Don't judge your own feelings; they are important and real and you have them for valid reasons. It is normal to feel envious and even angry that you are "left out". Holding everything inside doesn't help. It actually takes more mental energy to hold your feelings back than to express them. Allow yourself time to feel the sadness, anger, and frustration.
Don't judge your own feelings; they are important and real and you have them for valid reasons. It is normal to feel envious and even angry that you are "left out". Holding everything inside doesn't help. It actually takes more mental energy to hold your feelings back than to express them. Allow yourself time to feel the sadness, anger, and frustration.
Reach
Out
If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out support from your partner or a close friend. Talk about your feelings together. Keep in mind that men and women cope with stress in different ways. Women are more likely to express their sadness, while men tend to hold things inside. Neither way is wrong, just different. Whether it's your partner, a friend, professional counseling, groups, or online forums, finding somewhere to talk with people who understand can help you feel less alone.
If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out support from your partner or a close friend. Talk about your feelings together. Keep in mind that men and women cope with stress in different ways. Women are more likely to express their sadness, while men tend to hold things inside. Neither way is wrong, just different. Whether it's your partner, a friend, professional counseling, groups, or online forums, finding somewhere to talk with people who understand can help you feel less alone.
Choose
the Gatherings You Attend
Discuss holiday gatherings with your
partner, and decide how much celebration to participate in. If going to that family
dinner will send you over the edge, don’t go. Going to every minute of family gatherings isn’t necessary – it is
important to put your needs first. Your family will move on in time.
Plan Ahead
Plan, plan, and plan ahead. Anticipation is half the battle. People have a way of asking inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Be ready for the nosy questions and the possible "We're pregnant" announcements. Come up with an answer in advance that feels comfortable to you.
Plan, plan, and plan ahead. Anticipation is half the battle. People have a way of asking inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Be ready for the nosy questions and the possible "We're pregnant" announcements. Come up with an answer in advance that feels comfortable to you.
Make Special Plans of Your Own
Plan for memorable events of your own. Host an adults-only holiday party, or plan a romantic evening out with your partner. For some, it might even mean skipping a family gathering and planning a holiday getaway of your own. For example, one couple we know spent Christmas at a quiet cabin with another couple and enjoyed hiking, playing board games and relaxing. While their families didn't quite understand, both couples said it was a rejuvenating and memorable holiday.
Remember This is Not Forever
Remind yourself that this holiday season or the way you choose to celebrate this year is not how it will be for the rest of your life. Your fertility struggles will resolve at some point and things will change.
Plan for memorable events of your own. Host an adults-only holiday party, or plan a romantic evening out with your partner. For some, it might even mean skipping a family gathering and planning a holiday getaway of your own. For example, one couple we know spent Christmas at a quiet cabin with another couple and enjoyed hiking, playing board games and relaxing. While their families didn't quite understand, both couples said it was a rejuvenating and memorable holiday.
Remember This is Not Forever
Remind yourself that this holiday season or the way you choose to celebrate this year is not how it will be for the rest of your life. Your fertility struggles will resolve at some point and things will change.
About the authors: Dr. Marie Davidson and Dr. Ariadna Cymet Lanski are clinical psychologists at Fertility Centers of Illinois who work specifically with individuals and couples coping with infertility. Fertility Centers of Illinois is one of the nation's leading fertility treatment practices, providing advanced reproductive endocrinology services in the Chicago area for more than 30 years. For more information visit www.fcionline.com.
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